Polyamory

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This article may need to be reworded to conform to a neutral point of view; however, the neutrality of this article is not necessarily disputed.

Polyamory is a neologism which denotes the concept of "multiple loves." It has been independently coined by several people; one of these people was Morning Glory Zell Ravenheart, who used the term 'polyamorous relationship' in her article entitled A Bouquet of Lovers in 1990. Jennifer Wesp created the Usenet newsgroup alt.polyamory in 1992. However, the term has been reported in occasional use since the 1960s.

The ideal of polyamory is being able to have honest romantic relationships with multiple partners at once. Persons in such relationships define themselves as polyamorous, often abbreviated to 'poly'.

Contents

1 Forms of polyamory

2 Values of polyamory

2.1 Honesty and respect
2.2 Communication and negotiation
2.3 Non-possessiveness
2.4 Similarities to BDSM

3 Open relationships

4 Criticisms of Polyamory

4.1 Religious objections
4.2 Division of love
4.3 Perceived failure rates
4.4 Inability/unwillingness to commit

5 See also

6 External links

Forms of polyamory

Forms of polyamory include:

Polyfidelity, which involves multiple romantic relationships with sexual contact restricted to specific partners in a group
Sub-relationships, which distinguish between "primary" and "secondary" relationships (e.g. most open marriages)
Polygamy (polygyny and polyandry), in which one person marries several spouses (who may or may not be married to or have a romantic relationship with one another)
Group relationships and group marriage, in which all consider themselves equally associated to one another, popularized to some extent by Robert Heinlein in novels such as Stranger in a Strange Land and The Moon is a Harsh Mistress, and also by author Robert Rimmer
Relationship webs among a number of people who are in favour of and agree on "Friendship without Barriers"

Some people in sexually exclusive relationships may still self-describe as polyamorous, if they have significant emotional ties to more than one other person.

Values of polyamory

Unlike the general case of swinging, polyamorous relationships generally involve an emotional bond, though the distinctions made between swinging and polyamory are a topic open to debate and interpretation. Many people in both the swinging and polyamory communities see both practices as part of a continuum of open intimacy and sexuality.

Note that the values discussed here are ideals. As with any ideals, their adherents sometimes fall short of the mark - but major breaches of a polyamorous relationship's ideals are taken as seriously as such breaches would be in any other relationship.

Honesty and respect

Most monogamists define fidelity as committing to only one partner (at a time), and having no other sexual partners during such commitment; most polyamorists define fidelity as being truthful and forthcoming with their partners and keeping the commitments they have made to them.

Most polyamorists emphasize respect for all partners. Withholding information - even a "Don't ask, don't tell" agreement - is frowned upon, because it implies that partners do not trust one another to handle the truth. A partner's partners should be accepted rather than merely tolerated.

Communication and negotiation

Because there is no 'standard model' for polyamorous relationships, participants in a relationship may have differing ideas about how that relationship should work. If unaddressed, such mismatched expectations can be extremely harmful to the relationship. For this reason, many polyamorists advocate explicitly negotiating the ground rules of a relationship with all concerned. In contrast to some other forms of negotiated relationship (e.g. the prenuptial agreement) polyamorists commonly view this negotiation as an ongoing process, to be revisited throughout the lifetime of the relationship.

In more conventional relationships, participants can settle on a common set of expectations without having to consciously negotiate them, simply by following societal standards (a husband and wife are expected to support one another financially, for instance). Because polyamorous relationships cannot rely on societal standards as a starting point, much more must be negotiated instead of being taken for granted.

Polyamorists usually take a pragmatic approach to their relationships; they accept that sometimes they and their partners will make mistakes and fail to live up to these ideals. When this happens, communication is seen as an important part of repairing the damage caused by such breaches.

Non-possessiveness

Conventional relationships are often described in terms of ownership and control: "You belong to me". This implies that people have the right to place restrictions on their partners' behaviour, and that additional relationships are a threat, because they undermine that control. This leads to feelings of jealousy that are usually exacerbated by polyamory.

For this reason, many polyamorists see this 'possessive' view of relationships as something to be avoided. (A simple test of success: would seeing one's lover find another partner be cause for happiness or alarm?)

Although non-possessiveness is an important part of many polyamorous relationships, it is not as universal as the other values discussed above. Alternatives include arrangements in which one possessive primary relationship is combined with non-possessive secondary relationships (common in open marriages), and asymmetrical relationships in which 'ownership' only applies in one direction.

Similarities to BDSM

The polyamorous values of respect, honesty, communication and negotiation are akin to those espoused by the BDSM subculture. (Indeed, several prominent polyamory advocates are also BDSM advocates). Many of the problems encountered in polyamorous relationships have close parallels in BDSM, and can be resolved by similar methods; both groups benefit from a cross pollination of ideas.

Open relationships

Open relationship denotes a relationship (usually between two people) in which participants are free to take other partners; where the couple making this agreement are married, it is an open marriage. 'Open relationship' and 'polyamorous' are not identical terms:

Some relationships place strict restrictions on partners (e.g. polyfidelity); such relationships are polyamorous, but not open
Some relationships permit sex outside the primary relationship, but not love (cf swinging); such relationships are open, but not polyamorous
Some polyamorists do not accept the dichotomies of "in a relationship/not in a relationship" and "partners/not partners"; without these divisions, it is meaningless to class a relationship as 'open' and 'closed'

However, there is enough overlap between the two concepts that 'open relationship' is sometimes used as a catch-all substitute when speaking to people who may not be familiar with 'polyamory'.

Criticisms of Polyamory

This article may need to be reworded to conform to a neutral point of view; however, the neutrality of this article is not necessarily disputed.

Religious objections

Most major religions forbid having multiple partners. Even religions that allow non-monogamous relationships commonly limit this to one rigidly-defined form of marriage - most commonly polygyny. Religious leaders have said little on polyamory, but this is probably due to its low public profile compared to similar issues such as homosexuality. With the growing visibility of polyamory, this may well change.

Division of love

One common criticism of polyamory is rooted in the belief that by dividing one's love among multiple partners, that love is somehow lessened. Following The Ethical Slut, polyamorists commonly refer to this as a 'Starvation Economy' argument, so called because it treats love as a commodity - like food - that can only be given to one person by taking it away from another.

Polyamorists reject this view of love, arguing that love need not be lessened by division. A commonly-invoked argument is that a parent who has two children does not love either of them any less because of the existence of the other.

An intermediate viewpoint is that maintaining a loving relationship requires time and energy, and neither of these are infinite resources; hence, while it may be possible to love several people just as well as one, there is a point beyond which relationships do begin to suffer.

Perceived failure rates

Another commonly-heard criticism is that poly relationships never last. While it is hard to come by accurate numbers on the longevity of polyamorous relationships versus monogamous ones, this perception may be skewed by observer effects. Polyamorists often choose not to publicize this status, either to avoid hostile reactions or simply as a matter of discretion. Such relationships often only become visible to the outside observer if they do fail; those that continue to run smoothly remain largely invisible, and so are easily ignored.

One reason why such relationships are not publicized may be that, as with homosexual relationships, those who are not inclined towards such relationships may judge the acceptability of the type of relationship based on the failure of a particular instance of it—even though, for example, it is not common to judge that traditional heterosexual marriage itself is a failure merely because such a couple gets a divorce.

Such criticisms are sometimes based on observation of multiple-partner relationships that are not properly considered polyamory. The significance polyamory places on honesty, negotiation, and respect is not always obvious to outside observers, and multiple-partner relationships that lack these traits are indeed likely to be disastrous.

Lastly, the participants' criteria for a successful relationship may not match those set by conventional monogamy. A relationship that enriches the lives of its participants may still be considered a success even if it comes to an end before their deaths.

Inability/unwillingness to commit

Polyamory is sometimes seen as an inability, or unwillingness, to make a lasting commitment to one partner — especially a commitment to sexual exclusivity to one person for one's entire lifetime, as in traditional monogamous marriage.

However, polyamorists commonly see themselves as making multiple lasting commitments, as in the declaration that "we polys are faithful to ALL our lovers" - much as a parent is committed to loving all her/his offspring.

External links

de:Polyamorie eo:Pluramemo